means to an end.

trigger warnings.

“A captivating story; though deeply depressing and painful to let yourself continue, you know an adventure is coming.”

-in another universe, where people review each other stories and i will say “i dont give a fk bout what they think” but hope this is what they’ll say about mine.

i am ready to tell an important story (lil bits at a time cuz its a lot for me too, i will add/revise everytime i add a new post to this site so you can bookmark this page and subscribe to email updates at the bottom of this page to continue the story.)

as it is a fluid story, i will only hold myself accountable at the end of my life when this story ends. i hope it’s a page turner. TEE HEE

first,

after 3 years and 2 months in japan, i have my exit plan!

it consists of a lot of moving parts; im still working on a lot, trying to not think and keep things simple and i need to say that i hate when people tell me not to think too much.

like im not tellin myself that every fucking day..

second,

the more efficiently i think, the greater the creation. ive figured out a lot of the what and who i am this year and the simplest definition is this:

I am an artist.

ANd like most, we are tormented on the inside, hoping to create a more beautiful, colourful world despite the pain and loss we see daily, hoping to share, inspire, at the very least instigate and detonate emotion in others. selfish or not, I believer that that is how artists release into the world and i personally cannot wait till let loose of everything ive been holding onto this past decade.

(I want to note that WE ARE ALL ARTISTS. Our work is our words, actions, and what we leave behind, deliberately or not- that is a choice that we are given every time we open our eyes. Identifying as an artist is yet another choice and whether we decide to do preach it or create in private, art and love are the best things that humans are capable of. So release, create, and keep doing it. Over and over.)

it seems there might not be justice for the violence and abuse ive suffered, nor for other victims/survivors of their own injustices.

— trigger —

a friend of mine went to the cops bloody, raped and beaten almost to death by her boyfriend. this case was picked up by the state and after a year of having her personal life put on trail, getting blamed by family, and having to publicly process trauma, he was charged with ONE year in jail.. the worst part? he won’t go to prison unless he gets another misdemeanor. which means that SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO GET HURT BEFORE HE GETS PUT AWAY. let’s not even talk about people who are in prison for years for being in possession of grass that exists on god’s green earth. DO U FEEL RN? r u mad? r u sad? r u confused? cuz u should be. she was brave enough to report it, and brave enough to HOPE that this system that is supposed to protect us would do SOMETHING, but alas, i guess the system is not simply built for that.

so lastly, fuck the system. ^{no not an anarchist. i think}

i get it. we’ve all been through shit- life and death, illness, nature disasters, various crises. BUT anyone who has not been through/witnessed abuse OR lost a life at the hands of others/the will of god, will not only find these stories difficult to read (perhaps as difficult as it is for me to write about), but also struggle to empathize. i urge u to try.

sit in the discomfort. feel the anger, the sadness, maybe the despair. even as a 4 time sexual assault survivor, i cannot begin to understand what my friend is going through. i was not brave enough to report my cases, not brave enough to face scrutiny and have my life on trail to prove that i said NO. now its almost a decade later, lacking evidence to even try to report it, im still processing the victim blame, though all u need to know is that the 4th time happened to me, it was a “friend” who knew about the first 3 assaults, saw me self-isolate for an entire year out of fear, and consoled me as i criied, unable to go anywhere other than home, groceries, and work.

so yea i have some trust issues. having to be alive everyday, living and working with others, knowing that any human being can know your pain, gain your trust and destroy you in minutes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i know that u may never understand nor empathize. guess what? I DONT WANT YOU TO. the only way to have that is if you have been through it yourself. and i would not wish this on my worst enemy (jks i dont have any.) but i want us all to TRY to emphasize.

why? cuz only 6% of cases go reported. in america, it’s 1 out of 6 women AND men.

so my point today?

FEEL. know that no one will ever fully get it. make something beautiful. and hope for the best! (yea this is mostly a note to myself)

though i am not a performer/comedian bringing their audience UP and then DOWN, some will get it, and some will not. but these stories need to be told.

ready or not, here i come, (jks we gave u the trigger warning, u proceeded at your own will, and congrats thank you for being here with me today!)
always,
A

^{featured photo: @vivianthephotographer}