大変ですねー

welll i guess the universe knew i needed the best friday of my life before launching into quite possibly the most strenuous first week of June in world history, かな?

the amount of sticky notes i used to get my shit together this wk almost rivaled the sticky note wall i had when packing up my life for japan (JOKES nothin could ever rival the two whole notepads i demolished as my potato brain tried to organize my home, car, cat, fam, friends, and 2 pawtays in 2 weeks)

**i wish circumstances were better that i could just cheerily post photos of the beautiful happy things i see everyday but alas, this one is all that and more.**

this week, school and student clubs restarted on an alternating schedule, the gym reopened, and japanese night classes resumed once again. i had also anxiously/eagerly planned a ~~faculty housing welcome dinner~~ taco pawtay for all my new japanese neighbours on saturday and was looking forward to strawberry picking w frens to end the wknd.

i started monday june 1st stressing over work presentations that required multiple customizations and finishing last min requests from colleagues. but despite the hectic backtoback classes, the 13 self intros this week were a pleasant relief. my improved japanese now helps me clarify with students as i translate sentences in japanese and make jokes in between all the english so they could actually understand what im saying.. i think me being more comfortable (and making mistakes in japanese) made them more comfortable! as rushed as it was to create 7 customized game slideshow presentations for all my JTEs (they all decided it was a good idea 30mins before classes started), it was so worth it not only seeing students participate and trying to speak in class, but also being able to connect with my colleagues as we showed a united front and got to know each other better. riding an adrenaline high, i zoomed off after work for a gym n swim, grocery run and school supplies pickup before prepping my meals for the week and FINALLY gettin back in bed.

only to check social media n see that the world had exploded outside of my bubble. not only covid19 and sexual assault awareness, but now humanity was at stake. id been struggling to process and mobilize but finally went to my social platforms to support the movement for black lives. there was so much pain, horror, and confusion as i watched videos and read underground news on twitter that hadn’t made it to public media. and there was also hope, inspiration and support as people came together (the amish, kpop fans, even the LA kings, bloods, AND crips united for this.) but the greatest push came from this quote by angela y. davis-

”i am no longer accepting the things i cannot change.
i am changing the things i can no longer accept.”

the serenity prayer is tattooed on my back and amongst the things i wish i didn’t have to live with myself on, this is something i absolutely CANNOT refute. 上帝賜我平靜的心去接受我不能改變的,給我勇氣去改變我能力所行的。並賜我智慧去分辨兩者 says ‘god, give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, and the wisdom to know the difference.’ (sidenote: sorry mama for making u translate this for me n then secretly getting it tat’d but this reminder gives me the strength i need everyday.)

since then, we’ve raised $500 to reclaim the block, and with a company i consult for, donated several thousands to Black Lives Matter and other organizations. (more resources here) still now, im learning more, finding resources, and watching with aspiration as the world around me grows and changes. but the process has fucking TESTED me to say the least.

it hasnt been easy trying to understand the pain of others, watching a friend group split up, dealing with disappointing friends who refuse to use their privilege, and not having an outlet for any of it in inaka japan surrounded by white friends and japanese people ive yet to learn the terminology to be able to discuss this with. there’s been several 2am nights shedding tearz while attempting to put together public statements, emotional grocery runs while mediating between friends who no longer can be, and long, careful conversations that break me before putting me back together. these things might not be my responsibility and sure ‘it is what it is’ but if it can be better, why not do my best right? all this in between full time work, rushing to the gym and night class, remembering to pack my lunch and a swim bag, running errands during lunch, and trying to make it to the grocery store and grabbing school supplies before they closed at 8pm. everyday, i needed a new stickynote with a play by play of my day ahead and i severely dislike planning my life down to the hour like this but it had to be done.

this post itself has taken 2 days to put into words and i didnt even tell u about the weekend yet so i am finishing with all the best parts:

beautiful fresh snapdragon flowers from my JTE’s garden that i added to my neighbour’s flowers
receiving a yukata from my japan mom
having healthy, productive conversations with friends
making my first fresh spring roll without crying
reconnecting with an old friend despite/because of the circumstances
finding compromise and connection with all of my JTEs and finally meeting the new principal who doesnt hate me
a successful first week back at school
fresh flowers from ikebana club which i got to add/refresh my existing display!
managing to secure all the taco supplies, clean house and bake a strawberry roll cake in time for the pawtay
new friends and good laughs! not a single neighbour knew what a ‘taco party’ was but they ate em all. also if u tell a japanese person to just bring themselves to a party, u will end up with sake, green tea, ginger ale, fruit cups, chocolate cookies, wafer rolls, fresh apples and grapes, chips and 6000y that they refuse to not let u accept 😛
i somehow baked a black velvet banana bread without recollection while cooking for the party ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
the willpower to wake up and hit the gym at 9 before cooking, doin laundry and getting dressed for a sunday adventure
leftover whip cream from the roll cake that was perfect for the strawberry fields
treated to lunch in a beautiful soba resto by japan mom’s co-father-in-law
buying my furst plant in an attempt to take care of smthn.. but my beautiful blue hydrangea might alrdy be dead at the time of posting
ice cream, dollar store, and a much needed nap to end the wknd